Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Friday, October 29, 2010

On Things That Are Better Left Unsaid

So after Flavor of Love first went on the air, I decided officially that I hated television and dubbed it my sole mortal enemy. Even after that Strange Love debacle, I had faith that the visionaries who developed that particular parade of unabridged bull shit or at least the network would express some better judgment in the future. Much to my chagrin, that was not so. I still watch TV of course because I’m unemployed and socially nonexistent. Thus, from being forced to engage in television more often than I’d like, lately I’ve realized that it’s not just Fox News and ignorance mongering reality shows that make me want to vomit. Now even commercials have tread far and beyond what I feel should be navigable territory for a 30 second ad.

I personally thought commercials should be geared toward assuring my dependence as a consumer on certain goods and services that have been deemed satisfactory by our trusted television networks. Maybe that was the case in 1995 but in 2010 commercials contain the things that are best left to ads in Redbook and Penthouse or the dignified discretion of a pamphlet. If the commercial ain’t about getting rid of a "dangling participle", it’s about curing tiny-dick-itis. Then if that doesn’t get it one can procure a novel little device (cleverly referred to as a personal massager so as not to emasculate the impotent men and put off the stuck up bitches) that we women can easily attach to our fingertips and conveniently facilitate a nut at the time and venue of our choosing. And if even that doesn’t get you to the land of milk and honey, us women can just buy a special lube that will make us so damn sensitive that we’ll explode on a baby carrot if you put it within 12 inches of our bodies.

If it’s not about a fancy new condom that they’ve made ever so thin to where it feels almost as good as a raw dog but it nearly dissolves on contact and might not protect you against a damn thing it's a birth control implement which allows for the raw dogging and turns us into delighted freaks of nature by having us bleed only once every three months. It can also clear up your acne but it turns your uterus into an unstable uranium atom just waiting to be split.

If it’s not about a chat line urging men to talk and or text smoking hot, soaking wet, young honeys who are most likely not nearly as smoking hot, soaking wet or as young as the ones who actually appear in the commercials, it’s about barely legal young hot white co-eds “going wild” because obviously the rigorous academic demands at Bar Tab U and their natural bi-curious urges drive them to do chain shots of varying colorful monikers and very sloppily open mouth kiss each other in questionable hotel showers and tour buses. (Oh how my heart aches for those poor sexually repressed yet suddenly liberated middle class angels.)

As uninterested as I am in seeing ANY of those things in the midst of thoroughly enjoying re-runs of the Golden Girls, good ol commercial break once again reared its awkward head. Generally I expected the showcase of erectile dysfunction and birth control ads since it was on Lifetime but this time I was in for a zinger. This commercial literally made me say afterward, “I really would rather not have that message relayed to me in such an informal fashion.” (It might have come off a little less "weird", however, if I had not been sitting next to my middle aged father at the time.) It was an ad for this item on the market called “RepHresh” whose function is to maintain a healthy pH level for your vag. I’m a little apprehensive but I’m on board with it anyway because I’m hoping they’ll handle this particular matter with a little tact. Of course they’ll have to say the normal TMI type things but they decided to go balls out on this one. So... there are three women in the commercial—two white and of course one black to even it up. One white girl is kinda hot for a woman who used to be a really hot slut but she cleaned up once she escaped undergrad and developed some discernment. The other white chick is not as hot but you can tell it’s from the strain of having to rear two to three unruly white children in suburban middle-America. The black chick was of the marketable sort with some crazy Sideshow Bob curly mop top broccoli crown deal growing out her head and she’s of an acceptable medium brown tone with an average anti-black woman body shape and seems to be of a mild nature. Whatever. I already hate her. The commercial proceeds as thus…

The calm, reserved and reassuring voice over lady starts telling me and pops about all the reasons why stuff like Vagisil and Summer’s Eve do little to nothing for internal type shit that causes that funny off smell in your vag every so often and that it’s actually your pH levels that are all crazy go nuts in there. Alright but I wish ye olde gyno would have decided to throw that in there in the midst of our scolding sessions when she used to yell at me for not always using condoms. (I was lucky enough to be a 21 year-old with a judgemental betch for a OB-GYN.) Continuing on. Now enter used to be hot but still OK mom with one of the situations for which you should employ the use of this particular product. Line: “After your period—repHresh.” Fine. I can deal with that. Periods are something you really can’t avoid on a commercial and us women talk about the shit all the time. Moving on. Enter kinda hot chick with reason number two for putting this shit in your vag. “After intimacy—repHresh.” Hmmmm… I’m a little concerned with the semantics here. It’s a little weird that they would call it “intimacy” because that could refer to a number of activities. That could mean anything from greasing a nigga’s scalp to hardcore makin out to titty fuckin. So now I’m wondering, “Do I really need to change the old oil after that?” Then I simply assume they used the word "intimacy" rather than a full on “intercourse” drop for the sake of prudes and lesbians because neither one of them knows what sex actually is anyway. On top of that, I approve that that her being "intimate" is believable. Once again, sex is always on commercials and women talk about it all the time. No harm done. But the next one is where they COMPLETELY lose me (and also my father). The black chick (and I think they did this shit on purpose) with a smile on her face and a little lilt in her voice and everything, “After douching—repHresh.” That tears it. That was the line, bitch. Why the HELL did you have to bring that shit into this?! Women don’t even mention douching to each other! If a man asks a woman if she douches it turns into a dozens match! “What the hell you tryna say mutha fucka? My pussy may not smell like springtime and cinnamon but I’ll be damn if I shoot vinegar and water up there to make you happy, ya salty dick bastard. If you want me to douche so damn bad how bout you do me a fuckin' favor and febreeze that shag carpet that’s coverin those sweat smothered balls of yours once in a while--you ungrateful, disrespectful, judgmental prick.” The moral of the story… there’s no right way to bring up douching in a serious or critical context. None.

That was the only time I ever saw that commercial. I think they might have pulled it due to content... and outrage.

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