Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How Do They Be Knowin?

I always wonder what it’s like for gay dudes to attempt to approach another guy in an everyday non-gay setting. That has to be a little awkward sometimes, don’t ya think? Especially if it’s in a place where you can’t be too sure if he is or IS NOT of your particular persuasion. I mean, it’s totally safe at a Broadway production a young republicans’ mixer in San Francisco or in jail but what about the produce section at the Super Target?

Just imagine if you will for a moment that you’re a verile gay man sporting your Express Men's gear and you see this super hot hottie hovering over the organic cumcumbers and checking them rather thoroughly for imperfections. Your gay man penis is going ape shit at the sight of him stroking and ogling so meticulously, but you are forced to ask yourself a few logical questions. Is this man straight and merely trying to avoid food poisoning or do these long, thick, healthy-looking cucumbers remind him of a young Cuban towel boy he had an encounter with in Palm Springs last summer? So to get answers to these questions, what do you do? Do you casually bump into him and gauge his reaction or do you simply follow him around the store and try to see if he does anything overtly gay like buy decorative soaps or air freshener or condoms? There is a possibility that he might be buying all that stuff for a girl, right? I would assume at this point that your gay hormones must be going beserk from the sheer anticipation of it all and to be quite honest, I sympathize.

As a straight woman I can’t count the times I’ve "engaged" a man and had to say afterwards, “Wait, was that nigga gay?" (I actually can count the times and that would be one time too many.) I mean when you find yourself staring across the room at a chair with a pair or tailored Armani slacks folded rather neatly over it and he's in the shower singing "Put a Ring on It", you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Number one being, "Why did he have a shower bag handy anyway?”  So that’s when a smart woman would think to institute something of a sexuality screening process. Just propose something that seems unabashedly hetero and see what his responses are. For instance I might say, “Hey, I got a 360 with a headset and C.O.D. on deck... you down?” Now this can go several ways. If he attemts and makes his first kill with an embarrassing friendly fire, he's gay. If he asks if this is some manner of postal worker sex fantasy that I would like to partake in, there is clearly some question with his preference. He might be bi but it's clear that he's a freak. If he says, “Well, I was hoping that we could cuddle,” then he’s either gay or emotionally needy which is just as bad and even more annoying. If he says, “What’s a 360 and a COD?” then he’s either gay or an overdue Amish boy on his Rumspringa. If he says, “What about World of Warcraft?” then he’s possibly straight but he needs a raid fix before he takes his own sad pitiful life. If he says, “How bout we have sex, eat, get astronaut high and play Guitar Hero” then he is obviously my one true love so who cares if he's gay? I can fix him with my hetero female love...

You may find the subject inane but this shit could save your life one day. Mouths closed, minds open and pencils down. Class is dismissed.

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