Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Saturday, May 14, 2011

DeDeT, Why Can't I Find a Good WOMAN?

By now, I feel like some of you might be wondering why I show so much bias against women and the asinine things they do when it comes to courtship. The truth is, as a woman, I tend to be more critical of my own as it is my hope that you hoes would do better but please don't think I ain't peepin' you dudes too. Because, baby, I AM and I do NOT always love what I see. What is so unnerving about many of you little boys is that in spite of your uncouth ways, you think that us women are ALL the problem. We "want too much" or we "don't know what we want" or we "just lookin to trap a nigga." That may be the hardships some GOOD men face with hoes but you TRIFLIN muh'fuckas? Oh HELL no. You are in severe need of some correction your damn selves, gentleman. With that broad, sweeping assessment I present to you the first installment of "DeDeT Why Can't I Find a Good Woman?"

Maybe it's because the only women you "interact" with are always turned upside down in your lap and charging you for the privilege every 3.5 minutes.

Ok fellas, where do I even FREAKING begin? Oh that's right--at the damn shake joint. Why is it that so many of you are looking for love on the main stage? Do you TRULY expect to find favor with a woman whom you have to pay just to even LOOK at your raggedy ass? I mean be REAL with yourself for a second... She don't like you, man! She probably has a husband or (what would be even more futile for your efforts) a WIFE. These broads are NOT checkin for you homes. They could care LESS. Strippers are women who know ONE thing: For whatever reason, be it to pay for college, heroin or both, they need money FAST and they know the FASTEST way to get it is from some dumb, desperate, jaded Negro who thinks the perfect woman is one who looks good in a two-piece outfit and a three-piece Remy. This relationship between stripper and customer is one of the MOST superficial there is. These girls don't even give out their real names! Do you think that's because they're waiting on Mr. Right to show her true self? NO! (Disclaimer: Some of those hoes actually ARE waiting on Mr. Right to give him the best lap dance of his life and have him turn her brassed life into gold but that's a blog post for another time. I'll deal with YOU later, madame...) Strippers don't give out their names because they don't want to have to deal with your ass in a realistic setting. Her purpose is to construct a watered down fantasy (with as little genuine effort on her part as possible) for your horny ass and NOTHING more.

And I know there are good women who strip. I worked at a strip club for a while (not as a stripper) and got to know a couple GREAT ladies, but MOST of dem'ohs are about a dollar and that's it. Many of them either have to be drunk or high for their entire shift just to stomach you mutha fuckas because you DISGUST them. That's a pretty strong sentiment, but I don't think it's the one that you lovelorn men are so eagerly pursuing. Why would you fall for a woman who is not only disgusted by you but provides the SAME services for numerous other men in the span of a night? Are you really resolved with being merely one of many and nothing special? Or maybe you're just so desperate to have a big booty trophy that you don't care if she treats you like shit just as long as she pays any attention to you at all. Just because you're a man that doesn't mean you shouldn't demand to be treated well and I ain't talkin' bout head on the regular. You know how you wanna be loved bruh. You may as well be up front about it and stop settling for less, i.e. STRIPPERS.

And FURTHERMORE, some of you niggas have a DAMN good woman at home but you'd rather step out to She She's and give all your adoration to Cupcake, Strawberry Shortcake and Hot Chocolate n'em. (Don't ask me how I know these hoes' names.) Chocolate don't love you. She fine as the fuck but she ain't bout to cook your dinner or take care of your bad ass kids or iron your clothes or support you when shit gets ill. Chocolate waves bye-bye after her lap dances, blows you a kiss and walks away counting all the bills you threw on her. Tell me how you feel about her next Friday when she doesn't even remember your name and she's fawning all over another nigga with more chips than you. Do you go home to wifey stinking of Wal-Mart body spray and dejection expecting her to smother you with affection? You may get away with that Tom Dickery for a while but one Friday you're gonna go home and wifey will be LONG gone. You'll be straight for the weekend but what about when Monday morning comes and you don't have any kisses and breakfast waiting for you? Then when your day at work is shitty and you don't have that good woman waiting at home to make "Daddy" feel better, you'll probably just go back to the club; but Monday nights are slow and the B-Squad is on...

The De De T Childcare Initiative

So I'm at Wal-Mart, right? I'm minding my own lil business trying to procure the various staples (cereal, milk, tampons, peanut butter, booze, etc.) and I find myself being bothered over and over again with people's bad ass, ignit little kids. And the kill part is that the parents could give a damn! They just sit there and ignore the little bantlings for a bit and finally add to the debacle by yellin and cussin and smackin the kids like they're undisciplined hookers! Is that REALLY parenting? I think naught. Then it hit me like a brick: It's not these bad ass kids' faults. It's their ignit ass maw and paw who have ruined yet another trip to the store. I don't know bout ya'll but this childless woman has had ENOUGH. This is why I have brought you all here today--to hip you to some real heavy shit that I sincerely believe you'll want to be an integral part of.

As all of you well know, we face a truly dire reality when comes to the social, emotional and economic well-being of our nation's youth. Far too often children are raised in substandard environments where violence, poverty and balls out ignorance abound. Many of these kids, thanks to lackluster guidance on behalf of their "parents", have been left to show themselves the way. As a result the blind are leading the blind and a great many of them are lost in a torrent of teenage angst, adolescent inexperience and emotional immaturity. The trials of time have shown us that the results of such parental neglect are often unfavorable. Bad ass kids run amok in all venues as their "parents" either sit back and ignore their blatant outcries for structure or just opt out of supervising them at all. Some parents would rather be shadows who simply pay the mortgage, keep the lights on and sometimes stock up the fridge. Then there are those parents who leave their kids in the charge of their own elderly parents and other family members who, although giving, may not be in a position to adequately rise to the challenge of raising young children. Simply put: the shit ain't right... but we are here today to make it so.  

Parenting doesn't begin when kids first get into trouble. It doesn't begin when they first go to school. It doesn't begin in the hospital. Hell, it doesn't even begin in the womb. Good parenting begins with THE PARENTS. This is why I emphatically propose that we (all esteemed future patrons and myself) come together to raise funds to take on a radial and progressive effort. I propose that we turn modern childcare efforts on their ear and take matters into our own able hands. I propose that we, the affronted, put an end to ignit ass children, one unfit ignit future parent at a time. What I am proposing, ladies and gentlemen is the foundation of the De De T Abortion Fund.

I'm guessing from your silence that you are in awe of my bravery--as you should be. While I know what I intend to put forth is a tad bit pungent for the conservative palliate of today's pro-life subculture, I truly believe it's an initiative whose time has indeed come. I'll be damned if I sit idly by while these bad ass chillun raise hell in these streets while I have to be bothered with their disregard for authority. I simply ain't havin it no mo! And I know as a logical woman that those little mutha fuckas didn't get dumb as hell on their very own. No, no, my friends, their dumb ass parents set THAT wheel in motion. What I am suggesting here is that we raise funds to award vouchers to unfit parents who, through poor decision making and a love for raw doggin', have managed to conceive even though they themselves shouldn't be left in charge of a cactus, much less a human life. We will not discriminate based on race, geography, or educational and economic background. To assess a recipients eligibility, we will administer a blind testing process where the applicants are required to answer a series of bias-free questions in multiple choice/open answer format which will determine their parenting aptitude. To give you an idea of the criteria I have provided a few sample questions below:

Your newborn baby is crying uncontrollably. You have been attending to the child all day and have no idea what's wrong. What is your course of action?

a. Shake the shit out that lil muh fucka
b. Drop the baby on your mother's doorstep, ring the doorbell and peel out
c. Turn the TV up loudly to drown out the child's cries
d. Pop a couple Xanax. Perhaps finely grind a pill into dust and sprinkle a bit into some warm milk...
e. Head to the nearest hospital to seek medical attention

It's a weekday afternoon and your kids have just made it home from school, what would be your typical next move as a parent in this situation?

a. Turn on the TV and sit their bad asses down in front of it
b. Give them a gallon of juice and a bag of cookies so they'll shut the fuck up.
c. Leave them home alone while you attend to matters that have nothing to do with those bad ass kids
d. They wouldn't be going to your house as they would be living with your own parents
e. Ask them about their homework assignments, instruct them to attack it immediately and offer them help as needed.
To you or I it would be clear that the most obvious choices in both questions would be "e" but to the average unfit parent one of the other choices might appear to be more fitted to their "methods" of childcare. I will also include various open answer questions, i.e.:

Where do you work? If employed do you attend work regularly as scheduled? How often are you late? How often do you "stretch the truth" to get out of coming in? How often do you steal from your job? How many times have you had sex in the break room? How many of your co-workers have you boned anyway? What about your boss--do you fuck him/her too?
Do you already have children? How many? Are they under your care? If you have/had children would you bother wiping their runny noses or would you just let the snot dry all over their faces? When dirtied, would you bother changing their soiled garments or would you just let the juice, grass and chocolate stains set in their clothing until you were forced to take them off?  How often would you cuss out your kids in public? How often would you leave your children unattended in public? If you have children, how often are you called to school for disciplinary issues? Do you know what disciplinary means? When called by your child's school do you attend to the matter or ignore it? If your child got in a fight with another child and lost, would you then take your child to his offender's home and initiate another fight insisting that he win or get his ass kicked by you? Would you fight the parent of the other child just for shits?

How old were you when you first started having sex? How old are you now? How many abortions have you had/caused already? Why after the first abortion did you not then engage in safer sexual encounters? How soon after you meet a person do you have unprotected sex? What are your criteria for choosing a sexual partner/life partner? How many sexual partners do you currently have? Where do you usually find your sexual partners (the club, off the block, family reunions, your friends exes, strip clubs, make-out parties etc.)?

What are your nutrition habits? What kind of food do you eat? Do you cook or are you more partial to fast food? What are your policies on junk food? At what age do you believe a child should be able to eat a 16oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes smothered in gravy or a double Whopper with cheese meal? At what age would you upgrade a child from kids' meals to the regular menu? When it comes to cupcakes, how many is too many for a 4 year old? And what of fruits vegetables? Do you believe children should be required to eat them or are you okay with substituting them for french fries, ketchup, various processed meats and "fruit" juice?
What are your drinking/smoking habits? (Alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, etc.) How often do you drink/smoke? What time of day would you consider a good time to get drunk/high? If you have kids how often are you under the influence while they are in your care? When drunk/high are you more inclined to "slide/cut/pop/clack on/beat a bitch/nigga/hoe/mutha fucka" than when sober?

With these open answer questions our Application Review Board (me) would assess the quality of their various responses. Some of you may find my line of questioning to be invasive or judgemental, but quite frankly I might be an eligible award candidate by my own standards. I have searched my own heart and mind for these questions to make absolutely certain that only the most irresponsible, impulsive and unruly of candidates receive this much needed aid.

After the applications are reviewed and carefully evaluated, I and a team of trusted advisers will choose the ten most ignit mutha fuckas of all processed applicants. The awardees, female and male, will be given abortion vouchers. These vouchers will be made out to THEIR NAMES and for the male recipients they just have to be present with valid ID when the voucher is redeemed. Re-applicants or new applicants who have admitted to having had/caused a number of abortions already will be offered sterilization options. THESE VOUCHERS CANNOT BE TRADED FOR CASH, so all recipients will be informed not to attempt to redeem any awards for money. Doing so will be punished by a swift kick in the junk.

I know this seems to be an enduring effort (and probably illegal), but I am POSITIVE that with your help we can easily surmount any challenges as we strive toward providing a better future for our children and more pleasant outings for ourselves by cutting child neglect at its knees.

"If you can't support it... abort it."