Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Saturday, May 14, 2011

DeDeT, Why Can't I Find a Good WOMAN?

By now, I feel like some of you might be wondering why I show so much bias against women and the asinine things they do when it comes to courtship. The truth is, as a woman, I tend to be more critical of my own as it is my hope that you hoes would do better but please don't think I ain't peepin' you dudes too. Because, baby, I AM and I do NOT always love what I see. What is so unnerving about many of you little boys is that in spite of your uncouth ways, you think that us women are ALL the problem. We "want too much" or we "don't know what we want" or we "just lookin to trap a nigga." That may be the hardships some GOOD men face with hoes but you TRIFLIN muh'fuckas? Oh HELL no. You are in severe need of some correction your damn selves, gentleman. With that broad, sweeping assessment I present to you the first installment of "DeDeT Why Can't I Find a Good Woman?"

Maybe it's because the only women you "interact" with are always turned upside down in your lap and charging you for the privilege every 3.5 minutes.

Ok fellas, where do I even FREAKING begin? Oh that's right--at the damn shake joint. Why is it that so many of you are looking for love on the main stage? Do you TRULY expect to find favor with a woman whom you have to pay just to even LOOK at your raggedy ass? I mean be REAL with yourself for a second... She don't like you, man! She probably has a husband or (what would be even more futile for your efforts) a WIFE. These broads are NOT checkin for you homes. They could care LESS. Strippers are women who know ONE thing: For whatever reason, be it to pay for college, heroin or both, they need money FAST and they know the FASTEST way to get it is from some dumb, desperate, jaded Negro who thinks the perfect woman is one who looks good in a two-piece outfit and a three-piece Remy. This relationship between stripper and customer is one of the MOST superficial there is. These girls don't even give out their real names! Do you think that's because they're waiting on Mr. Right to show her true self? NO! (Disclaimer: Some of those hoes actually ARE waiting on Mr. Right to give him the best lap dance of his life and have him turn her brassed life into gold but that's a blog post for another time. I'll deal with YOU later, madame...) Strippers don't give out their names because they don't want to have to deal with your ass in a realistic setting. Her purpose is to construct a watered down fantasy (with as little genuine effort on her part as possible) for your horny ass and NOTHING more.

And I know there are good women who strip. I worked at a strip club for a while (not as a stripper) and got to know a couple GREAT ladies, but MOST of dem'ohs are about a dollar and that's it. Many of them either have to be drunk or high for their entire shift just to stomach you mutha fuckas because you DISGUST them. That's a pretty strong sentiment, but I don't think it's the one that you lovelorn men are so eagerly pursuing. Why would you fall for a woman who is not only disgusted by you but provides the SAME services for numerous other men in the span of a night? Are you really resolved with being merely one of many and nothing special? Or maybe you're just so desperate to have a big booty trophy that you don't care if she treats you like shit just as long as she pays any attention to you at all. Just because you're a man that doesn't mean you shouldn't demand to be treated well and I ain't talkin' bout head on the regular. You know how you wanna be loved bruh. You may as well be up front about it and stop settling for less, i.e. STRIPPERS.

And FURTHERMORE, some of you niggas have a DAMN good woman at home but you'd rather step out to She She's and give all your adoration to Cupcake, Strawberry Shortcake and Hot Chocolate n'em. (Don't ask me how I know these hoes' names.) Chocolate don't love you. She fine as the fuck but she ain't bout to cook your dinner or take care of your bad ass kids or iron your clothes or support you when shit gets ill. Chocolate waves bye-bye after her lap dances, blows you a kiss and walks away counting all the bills you threw on her. Tell me how you feel about her next Friday when she doesn't even remember your name and she's fawning all over another nigga with more chips than you. Do you go home to wifey stinking of Wal-Mart body spray and dejection expecting her to smother you with affection? You may get away with that Tom Dickery for a while but one Friday you're gonna go home and wifey will be LONG gone. You'll be straight for the weekend but what about when Monday morning comes and you don't have any kisses and breakfast waiting for you? Then when your day at work is shitty and you don't have that good woman waiting at home to make "Daddy" feel better, you'll probably just go back to the club; but Monday nights are slow and the B-Squad is on...

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