Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Thursday, July 28, 2011

On Being "The Help..."

Saw a preview this week for soon-to-be-released film "The Help."

Here are the reasons why I'm pissed:

1. This movie was adapted from a book that was a New York Times Bestseller. Why was it a bestseller? Most likely because it depicts the tale of some "groundbreaking" white woman who had the completely singular idea of taking a black woman's story and exploiting it to jump off her little career. Of course she learns a great deal about herself and realizes how blind she's been to the plights of her Colored sisters who clean up after her oblivious ass. Get the fuck outta here.

2. Here we are AGAIN reliving the timeworn tales of black women who had to endure in spite of all kinds of adversity (racism, oppression, economic hardship, the jaded white people they worked for, etc.) and some white woman found her to be fascinating because of the tenacity of her faith and the strength of her spirit and character. "Who could be that honest, morally sound and sane with so much pitted against her? Extraordinary." Again--get the fuck outta here.

3. Why is it that black women are STILL playing the VICTIMS in Hollywood? We either play static characters who never grow and merely wallow in the many inherent tragedies of black femaleness or we thrive on our own pain, turning it into triumph. Granted there's nothing wrong with telling EITHER of these tales but why in the hell do black women ALWAYS have to be in the hood, in a bad relationship or the racially torn old south for these stories to be worthy of a feature film? I'm not mad at Viola or Octavia. I'm sure they played those roles to the BONE with the resilience and courage that I expect of black women but I would imagine that they would desire recognition for their dynamism and versatility as well.

4. When the FUCK are we gonna get out of the damn kitchen?!?! When are we gonna ditch those domestic duds and those feather dusters? Come the FUCK on! In my opinion the sassy Southern black maid is one of the most tried roles there is. It's been DONE. I'm tired of Tyler Perry and I am tired of THIS.

5. The last movie with black protagonists that I saw advertised this much was "Madea's Big Happy Family." The FUCK y'all on, man??? 

6. Hollywood will never get tired of seeing black women "fighting." It's like they're undermining us while simultaneously putting us on this stereotypical pedestal. We can do something other than put on a jovial, well-adjusted front while racked with emotional, physical and spiritual pain but I know you people don't really care to consume us as anything else.

And I'm out this bitch...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

On Maiming Your Man...

Okay, Ladies... I wanna talk to you hoes for JUST a second. Any of you out there who pay attention to the news and such know that last week some crazy Asian drugged her soon to be ex-husband, cut of his jammy and tossed that jernt in the garbage disposal.


As fate would have it, on the very same morning in my fairly troubled hamlet of Houma, a few things went amiss up the bayou when an angried-up young lady threw hot beans and Pine Sol on her man then proceeded to cut him.


Much like Tyler Perry, I was inspired by all of this violence toward the male sex. Unlike Mr. Perry, however, I really don't see a need to glorify such behavior. Granted, sometimes these dudes most assuredly have it coming but congruently some of these women are just unstable. In the case of this new millennium Lorraina Bobbit, I I have no knowledge of the situation betwixt her and her um "fallen" husband, but as it pertains to this Houma chick (according to valued sources) she BEEN throwed off. It was only a matter of time before somebody got dealt with and homey just happened to be in the wrong kitchen at the wrong time. Even before I was hipped to the game about her mental state, I knew something had to be off with ya girl. Anybody who throws some shit as random as hot beans and Pine Sol on a dude only to turn right around and cut him anyway has to be on some ol' unstable, maniacal shit. Sadly there are many women JUST like her who handle conflict in the same way--irrationally and violently. Perhaps she learned at a young age that undue violence was then answer when she couldn't account for her own erratic female emotions. Maybe these unwarranted reactions to the hassles of life went unchecked for too long and no one could reel her back in to reason. Regardless of the root, she most likely just flew off the handle as she was prone to do and some simple-minded man got the dick end of her fury.

As for the former Mrs. Becker, I presume that she probably went through some trials before coming to the conclusion that she had to dismember her husband. She premeditated the shit out of this undertaking. She didn't just go ape shit in the middle of dinner and leap at his nuts with the chef's knife. She took the necessary time and precautions to make sure that this was done right. She was even the one who called 911! Homegirl KNEW what she was into from the moment she started those wheels in motion and I applaud her patience and diligence. This is not to say that could not have been EVERY BIT of crazy her damn self. Maybe her old man didn't buy her that Ferrari she wanted and she decided that he needed to pay for his affronts with his manhood. Who really knows in these situations though, right? I wasn't fuckin' either one of em so I damn sho don't have the tea.

The point of all this is: what will these women truly gain by maiming these men possibly for life? Sure, Mr. Becker may not know the pleasure of a woman ever again, but his wife is gonna have to sit down in REAL JAIL for what may turn out to be a nice lil stretch. The question I have for any woman who has taken such violent action against her man is: Is your freedom worth getting the last word in? That's what's wrong with some of you women. You will go to just about any length to have the final say. Let it go sometimes, ma! Let him keep his dick just this ONE time so you can go free. Don't throw those hot beans/grits/eggs/hash browns on homey and just let him walk out the door and OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He isn't worth losing another day of your happiness--not one.

But let me be real in light of all these criticisms I'm throwing on these hoes. The fact that I've been dodging committed relationships all my life greatly diminishes my right to speak on the subject of the pain a man can cause the woman who loves him most (or at least thinks she does). Personally I refuse to let a man get close enough to me to put me through such pain and heartache. Sure I've been burned before but it was never enough for me to say "Yeah, this muhfucka is gone pay for this shit with his life." At the very FIRST sign that a man will only cause me grief, I let his ass GO. I've seen what my mother went through with my own paw and I re-mutha-fuckin-fuse to let it go down like that with me. Even my own grandmother beat my grandfather within inches of his life behind some messed up shit he did to her. Sure it probably felt good to bloody the man who wronged her damn near to death, but think of those scars beneath the surface that NEVER seem to heal. For the rest of their lives, I can just about bet that my grandparents always looked at each other sideways. My mother and father haven't fully recovered from their fall out either and it doesn't get any better with both sides harboring so much resentment toward one another...

To put a long sad story to bed: ladies if the man you love/need/want is willing to put you through hell and think nothing of it, you're better off leaving him to it than exacting your own foolhardy, pride-driven revenge. Let the Lord deal with his ass if he ratchet. And if you MUST deal with him (because I KNOW how lowdown a man can be), make sure you can do it while effectively avoiding the long arm of the law. Don't go super-crazy-bitch, all willy nilly and thangs, making all of us look bad outchea...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Bold and Reckless Lies of the American Patriarchy

So I'm the gym, right? Just on the treadmill minding my own business climbing what feels like the never ending face of Kilimanjaro and I am interrupted in my focus by the unmistakable self-important voice of Bill O'Mutha-Fuckin-Reilly. I am already uninterested because I know whatever he has to say will not only infuriate but also nauseate me as I am heavily engaged in a very physically demanding task. Unfortunately, however, I was far too engaged in this physically demanding task to even think of pausing for the cause of finding the nearest remote. Thus I was at Massa O'Reilly's mercy. My only hope was that the anger brought on by whatever unabashedly biased conservative nonsense he was about to spew would fuel me to Hulkish feats of physicality. That day must have been my lucky one because he just happened to be doing a segment concerning Sally Jacobs' controversial biography entitled The Other Barack: The Bold and Reckless Life of President Obama's Father. THIS is what I saw:


The optimist in me wanted to think that as a journalist he would perhaps relate this story to the widespread absence of father figures in so many children's lives. The revolutionary in me figured he would just say all black fathers are merely selfish, womanizing, drifting sperm donors as proved by the life of this authentic, straight-off-the-continent African. Much to my surprise he didn't do either one of these things. His main concern was that of demonizing Pres. Obama's father. That's it. He barely even cared to talk about what was actually IN the book. He didn't even care to address the TITLE in its entirety. He just referred to the "reckless" portion and tried to completely omit word "bold" from the conversation. Thank God Ms. Jacobs was unbiased enough to refrain from imposing any similar character judgements. She maintained her impartiality but O'Reilly was far from put off, calling the man a fraud, a dead beat and even a "sociopath."

Oh, Bill was crying "Shame!" all over the place. Talkin bout some "How could a man abandon his own child?" and all this other buck nekked bull shit. Let's be for real for a second Boss Hog O'Reilly--all this outcry of yours didn't have a DAMN thing to do with the shamefulness of a man abandoning his own child and leaving a woman to raise a man all on her own. This postmortem chastisement that you are so weightily dishing out is about a couple other less noble factors:

1. Why would this impetuous African, after having the ESTEEMED and undeserved privilege of mounting a white woman's vagina, leave behind a perfectly novel (and thus, more appealing) half-Negro baby.?

2. HOW does this perfectly novel and forsaken half-Negro manage to grow up without his father (who was albeit a failure) and become the FIRST black man to hold the highest position in American government?

Now y'all are probably saying, "De De T, how do YOU know what homey had on his mind when he was running Barack Sr. through the ringer?" I will tell you how I know. I know because I don't see him doing any segments on Jay-Z's absent father. He's not wondering where Erykah Badu's daddy was. He wasn't up in arms about Ricky Williams' abusive daddy. And where was his scorn for Tyler Perry's paw? Nowhere to be found, that's where. People like Bill O'Reilly could give a fuck about all the fathers out there who abandoned, abused or neglected their black children. I doubt he even cares about the white children whose natural fathers left them behind.

Bill O'Reilly's "concern" is based upon sheer bewilderment. He and many like him are absolutely floored by the fact that this ONE black child made it so far up the white man's ladder without the presence of a father figure in his life. Sure, he could grow up to be a singer/dancer/rapper/athlete/high-profile criminal/mayor of Detroit without an adequate father figure to show him the way, but PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!? Oh HELL no. That kinda crazy shit is unheard of. Fatherless black children are supposed to have very limited futures. The rule is that if you can't sing, dance, rap, shake your big black ass, play ball or slang dope there is NO WAY you as a black fatherless child can hope to survive in the white man's America. How in the HELL can a patiarchal society founded on white privilege and the nuclear family unit hope to impress such a falsehood upon black children now? Looks like all those tightly woven fabrics of systematic oppression are finally unraveling at the seams, huh?

I guess it's back to the lab for the white patriarchy...

P.S.: If you want to read an IMPARTIAL interview about this book try this