Today... I did battle. Today, again, I was challenged to look inside myself to find something worth holding on to or rather truth. I figure we all have to do this everyday but it seems the people around me would rather look to the faults of others than address any of their own. Now, I would NEVER call myself perfect or even better off than the next man (and I pray as I move forward in life that I would never be fool enough to think so arrogantly of myself), but I do know for a fact that I am not the only person in this world that is severely flawed. Sometimes I think the fact that I'm so imperfect so brazenly is what bothers the people in my life so much. I cuss LOUDLY when the spirit moves me to do so. If I don't particularly care for any length of words that may be aimed in my direction, I don't mind telling the offender just what I think of their tone. Instead of grinning and bearing it (the way society trains us to do) when something is requested of me that I ain't down for, I just say "No" without any refrain or pause. For this I am labeled "SELFISH."
"No you can't borrow my DVDs because the LAST time you 'borrowed' one I never saw that shit again and you NEVER replaced it."
"No, I don't want you to come to my house and run through my refrigerator and leave me with little to nothing while you go to YOUR house and then eat all YOUR shit too"
"Yes I want all my fries cause I fuckin' bought em and no you can't have any. Fuck if you mad because I denied you the pleasure of MY food while I was kind enough to let you have ALL of yours. Sounds like YOU would be the selfish one to me since you not only want yours but mine too..."
"If you pick something off my plate again I swear to GOD I will maul you like a FUCKING BEAR. That shit is mad disrespectful and you KNOW I wouldn't do it to you"
If selfish is what I must be called then let it be so. Of course people don't call me selfish when I'm letting them HAVE money or when I am physically doing things for them that they either did or didn't even have to ask me to do... but I'm selfish when I say no.
I don't hold any punches when I would rather roll alone than have to be bothered with the needs, wants and whims of someone other than myself. I don't dig small talk in the least and I will not entertain it to make you people feel better about striking up mindless conversation with a stranger as you nervously wait in line at the grocery store. (I get it. You're embarrassed to use your Louisiana Purchase card. Get over that shit. Money is money.)
In spite of appearing in a way that would please everyone around me, (the whole while making me ill with myself) I decided to be Deanna no matter who likes it or not. If I had all the love and adoration in the world and I got it by being something other than the best and most authentic me, how could it satisfy me in any regard? I figure one of the most difficult trials of humanity is to be yourself and love yourself when nobody else loves you for it. I may not be a dictator or a serial killer or child pornographer but for whatever reason I have been made with a certain mix of disparaging qualities which are offensive to the delicate natures of human beings.
Maybe I should have been born a wolf or a rhinoceros or some shit like that...