Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Saturday, August 27, 2011

"DeDeT Why Can't I Find A Good Man?"

Maybe it's because you outchea looking HARD for "Your Barack" when you, Madame, ain't no Michelle.

OK ladies, why is it that so many of you are searching for qualities in a mate that you do not possess yourself? You want a man who can read above a 12th grade level yet the last piece of literature you picked up was Noire's Candy Licker. (I'm here to tell ya today that urban e-fuckin-rotica does NOT constitute intellectually stimulating prose. Don't lie to yourself, maw.) You want a worldly man with a degree from an accredited university and a six-figure income but you, dear, went to a university, beauty college, Blue Cliff and Devry only to quit them all after under two semesters. You spend the bulk of your earnings to feign the semblance of social standing with over priced knock-offs & a mask chemically engineered by the brilliant minds of MAC so you can go to the most exclusive & upscale clubs every weekend to compete with dumb hoes just like yourself for men who may or may not have the keys to the glamorous lifestyle you crave. And don't let the DJ put on "No Hands." You'll drop it to the flo' for any bystander with a dick at the drop of the beat and won't give a fuck how short and tight that skirt is when you do. Panties be DAMNED, you wanna be seen. If a brotha has V.I.P. access and has purchased a few bottles you'll LEAP at the chance to rendezvous with him after the club at the venue of his choosing (as long as it is certain that someone else will see you with him). After which you'll find out that he wasn't "balling" like he claimed. That Infiniti was a rental and the electricity in his one-room, furniture challenged efficiency has been cut off because he spent his last check to stunt at the club... just like you.

Meanwhile "The Barack" you so eagerly sought that night most likely passed your pretty, petty, pretentious, materialistic ass RIGHT up for a woman whose conversational skills surpassed that of the latest Basketball Wives beef, and you probably passed HIM up because he wasn't a patron of the V.I.P. section...

But does your foolish ass ever frequent a fuckin' book store aisle? Not really. Do you ever go to a social event that has nothing to do with a birthday/album release/poorly themed party at the trendiest club? Nope. What of any self-enriching activities? Have you any of those that do not circulate around being seen by a man? Of course you don't because for you getting a "good man" is all the enrichment you require.

I'm not saying that you dumb hoes don't deserve a good man. (Actually some of you hoes probably don't to be quite frank.) All I'm saying is that PERHAPS some self-improvement might be helpful. Maybe if you concentrated on being better ONLY FOR YOURSELF you would be able to attract a man with something on his mind other than putting the whole of his effort into being a carbon copy of Drake/Trey Songz/Chris Brown. I'm just saying... as you strive for maturity, maturity will be drawn to you. Even if you don't believe me, it can't possibly hurt your chances to give that shit a try, can it?

I can already hear some of you hoes cryin' "Well, bitch where's your man? How the fuck you know so much about getting one?" And I'd have to say that all of you dumb hoes are absolutely right. I don't have "a man," so what do I know about getting one? I'm too busy trying to build a foundation for myself BY MYSELF to even entertain the idea of getting out in the streets with you dumb broads just so I can engage in a footrace to mediocrity and co-dependence anyway. I should have never put my two cents up for grabs...

Bitch, I ain't better. I'm just better equipped.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

You Can Find My Sympathy Between "Shit" and "Syphilis"

The headline reads: "Dulac resident charged with trying to hit woman with car." In my mind I'm hoping that this incident was not yet ANOTHER domestic dispute, but considering where I'm from I knew better:

Just in case you skipped the link, let me give you the rundown (pun ABSOLUTELY intended). This dude is driving his boo's car. Him and the boo get into it so she wants to go home. Homeboy ain't havin' that though so he drives to HIS house in HER car and beats HER ass. Then when she tries to get in her car and leave, he beats HER ass again, takes HER car and then proceeds to assault her with (you guessed it) HER OWN CAR.

1. I have NO sympathy fuh dis hoe. NONE. I don't care what kind of daddy issues she has. Did you see homey's mug shot??? Dude has tatts ALL OVER HIS FACE. It is usually safe to assume that a man who would purposely and permanently scar his own face is a man who has some psychological issues that he needs to deal with on his OWN. (Mike Tyson? Lil Wayne? Hello? Is anybody home???) Bitch, that right there was your red flag. He shoulda killed ya dumb ass.

2. What is with all this homicidal love? Is this shit cute to you people? Does the idea that a mutha fucka might very well KILL you at a moment's notice make you heifas hot? What is the intrigue? Somebody help me to understand...

3. Are men doing all this buck nekked bullshit just to get on the news? Are they trying to validate their street cred by catching cases? Y'all dudes tryna get on with Boosie? You hoes tryna get signed? I guess going to jail is the quickest way to jump off these days...

4. Do these women not read the paper or watch the news at ALL? Don't they know dudes are straight MURKIN their o'ladies these days? Muh'fuckas ain't just breakin up with brizzles anymore. That is no longer a sufficient means of attaining closure. In the 21st Century the best ways to "break it off" involve maiming, permanent physical scarring and murder-suicides. THAT is how you show your woman that you ain't havin' her nonsense no mo...

5. Something tells me that this wasn't the first time Mr. Verdin had a Chris Brown-out. His ass BEEN throwed off (as evidenced by the placement of his body "art") and her dumb ass BEEN ignoring it. True, I don't know these people personally, but I have gotten rather familiar with domestic violence over the course of my life; and through my experiences with domestic abuse I have learned that it is very rare for someone to go from being sweet as sugar to attempted vehicular homicide within a few short hours. Homey has hit her before and she either stayed or left and came RIGHT back like the dumbest boomerang in the known universe. Again... no sympathy fuh ya, cher.

Now I know humans and I know some of you must be protesting that I have no right to cast down any judgements concerning hoes being dumb and so on and so forth. With such a complaint, I would have to agree. It is for that reason that I DO NOT JUDGE dumb hoes. I merely lay out in print all the reasons WHY these hoes are dumb. The outright naivety and simplicity of women such as this unfortunate one who got run over by HER OWN CAR are natural facts. I have as much power to attribute any more stupidity on to this girl as I have to take any of it away. Her I.Q. could very well be through the roof, but her ability to apply common sense on a situational level is irrefragably low as evidenced by her willingness to carry on with a man who would treat her this poorly.

If I still sound judgemental let me ask you a question once asked by a very wise little Negro: 
"If I started peein' on you RIGHT now would you: A. Smile and ask for more or B. Move out the HELL out the way?"
Prosecution: RESTS.

Monday, August 1, 2011

"You're gonna end up with some weak nigga..."

The young man who quoth such ignorance was actually my "ex." (We were only "on" for a month so I find it hard to count him officially.) I think he may still be a little sore that I broke up with him so abruptly but I had my reasons. I could see far enough around the bend to know that there wasn't anything up there for me so I diverted from that path--QUICKLY. There was no malice on my part either. I didn't hate him. I still don't, but I do see him for exactly what he is--a man who is too insecure to really handle a woman like me. (Now I know there may be a couple dudes out there who'll counter with, "You're just a bitch and you refuse to admit that fact to yourself." To all those disparaging cats I would reply, "I'm not a bitch, suga. I'm just an asshole. When you call me, call me right.")

Cool your jets, boys! I'm not tryna cut anybody down with that statement. I'm not suggesting that all men are weak punks who "can't handle me." I know there are some inadequate mutha fuckas out there masquerading as men but I don't put every guy I meet in that category. I do not find pleasure in giving men grief and I don't go out of my way to compete with them either. I don't want to try on your pants. My booty shorts serve me just fine. I am simply a woman who knows herself well enough to know that she can't possibly fit into every man's mold of an "Ideal Mate."

ANYWAY... back to the tale. The other night my ex and I were engaged in a dialogue and if my memory serves me he said something about it being "a man's world." Once he caught on to the abrupt change in my energy, he attempted to soften the blow by saying, "But you know how it goes. It wouldn't be nothin' without a woman or a girl." And so it began. I could bore you with the most accurate transcript that I could produce from memory but who gives a fuck about every word that was said? Certainly not I. The summary is, as I began to wail on him with the eloquence that only I can he grew weary. Then the defeat began to seep in and that is what yielded the statement "You're gonna end up marrying some weak nigga who'll just let you push him around." Then began another wailing session:

DDT: What the FUCK you mean "end up with," son? So you sayin that I won't be able to "find a man" so I will simply "end up with" whatever scraps of manhood the human race has left behind for me to ravage?

X: I didn't mean that. I--

DDT: Before you continue let me hip you to some shit real quick: 1. Marriage ain't somethin' that I'm bout. 2. I'm not LOOKING for somebody to even have to "end up" with somebody. 3. I don't WANT to be with a weak nigga which is why I broke up with you. A nigga like you always feels the need to be justified in his manhood which is why you want a woman who just serves you without question. I don't want a man who always has something to prove by competing with me. That's not a strong man. So don't lie to yourself and figure that you were just too much for me 'cause you was exactly the opposite.

But did I wanna go off on that mutha fucka like that? No. That wasn't even in the plan. But I find it truly infuriating when men like my ex declare that any woman with an opinion wants a spineless puppy that she can lead around on a leash of verbal abuse. True, there are some dumb hoes who want that manner of man-bitch accessory to complete their Baby's First Serious Relationship Kits, but not every woman needs to lord over her man to qualify her own strength. "Men" like that never dare to assume that maybe they're just not the right man for any and EVERY woman. They act as though it would be impossible for ANY man to tolerate a woman who's not only bold and intelligent but one who won't deny those facts just to soothe a man's ego. Trust the plus... I KNOW there are some real serious cunts out there but sometimes, brotha, your insecurity is the reason why you can't see yourself coping with a certain kind of female. If you feel like you're not good enough for her with then that's on you but don't charge it to what you imagine is her over-confidence as a "mere woman." 

In the case of my ex, I strongly doubt that he ever thought to himself "Maybe I could stand to be less insecure. Maybe I shouldn't throw around the fact that I'm a man just to make sure that she respects it." By pressing the issue of his masculinity upon me so often, in my eyes it had been negated. I can't deal with that kind of bravado. I like a man who knows his nuts well enough to just BE a man without all the pretentious demonstrations of his gender. When we were together he was always competing with me. He was always trying to "out man" me. He was always trying to out drink me. He was compelled to make sure everybody knew that he regularly put his dick in me when he felt like he was losing ground as "the man" in the relationship. He was always trying to prove that I wasn't "hard" and that I wasn't a "thug." Bruh I KNOW ain't no thug and I most DEF ain't tryna be one! I don't slang dope! I don't kill mutha fuckas! I read BOOKS! I'm 'bout the STRUGGLE. I'm 'bout bettering my PEOPLE. Don't try to downplay my demeanor as a caricature of how a "real nigga" is supposed to behave just to make yourself feel like less of a bitch when you're standing next to me. 

Then again, maybe I'm all the way wrong and there truly is no country for an unconventionally bawdy broad like me who refuses to adhere to the typical gender role of a "girl." Still though... fuck dat dude.

REAL TALK DISCLAIMER: Honestly, the convo betwixt the young man and I really went sour prior to his arrogant omen when he tried to put the FUCKING CHARGERS on a pedestal over the Saints. Then when I said "Well, show me ya rings, bitch and I'll kiss em," he came at me with "You ain't even from New Orleans." That one right there threw all my good nature out the fuckin DOE, ya heard me. I can't deal with a bitch ass mutha fucka who can't accept simple facts nor can I deal with a bitch ass mutha fucka who tries to discredit me on some superficial shit. After that everything he said was grounds for battle.

(W H O D A T ? ! ? !)