Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Sunday, August 14, 2011

You Can Find My Sympathy Between "Shit" and "Syphilis"

The headline reads: "Dulac resident charged with trying to hit woman with car." In my mind I'm hoping that this incident was not yet ANOTHER domestic dispute, but considering where I'm from I knew better:

Just in case you skipped the link, let me give you the rundown (pun ABSOLUTELY intended). This dude is driving his boo's car. Him and the boo get into it so she wants to go home. Homeboy ain't havin' that though so he drives to HIS house in HER car and beats HER ass. Then when she tries to get in her car and leave, he beats HER ass again, takes HER car and then proceeds to assault her with (you guessed it) HER OWN CAR.

1. I have NO sympathy fuh dis hoe. NONE. I don't care what kind of daddy issues she has. Did you see homey's mug shot??? Dude has tatts ALL OVER HIS FACE. It is usually safe to assume that a man who would purposely and permanently scar his own face is a man who has some psychological issues that he needs to deal with on his OWN. (Mike Tyson? Lil Wayne? Hello? Is anybody home???) Bitch, that right there was your red flag. He shoulda killed ya dumb ass.

2. What is with all this homicidal love? Is this shit cute to you people? Does the idea that a mutha fucka might very well KILL you at a moment's notice make you heifas hot? What is the intrigue? Somebody help me to understand...

3. Are men doing all this buck nekked bullshit just to get on the news? Are they trying to validate their street cred by catching cases? Y'all dudes tryna get on with Boosie? You hoes tryna get signed? I guess going to jail is the quickest way to jump off these days...

4. Do these women not read the paper or watch the news at ALL? Don't they know dudes are straight MURKIN their o'ladies these days? Muh'fuckas ain't just breakin up with brizzles anymore. That is no longer a sufficient means of attaining closure. In the 21st Century the best ways to "break it off" involve maiming, permanent physical scarring and murder-suicides. THAT is how you show your woman that you ain't havin' her nonsense no mo...

5. Something tells me that this wasn't the first time Mr. Verdin had a Chris Brown-out. His ass BEEN throwed off (as evidenced by the placement of his body "art") and her dumb ass BEEN ignoring it. True, I don't know these people personally, but I have gotten rather familiar with domestic violence over the course of my life; and through my experiences with domestic abuse I have learned that it is very rare for someone to go from being sweet as sugar to attempted vehicular homicide within a few short hours. Homey has hit her before and she either stayed or left and came RIGHT back like the dumbest boomerang in the known universe. Again... no sympathy fuh ya, cher.

Now I know humans and I know some of you must be protesting that I have no right to cast down any judgements concerning hoes being dumb and so on and so forth. With such a complaint, I would have to agree. It is for that reason that I DO NOT JUDGE dumb hoes. I merely lay out in print all the reasons WHY these hoes are dumb. The outright naivety and simplicity of women such as this unfortunate one who got run over by HER OWN CAR are natural facts. I have as much power to attribute any more stupidity on to this girl as I have to take any of it away. Her I.Q. could very well be through the roof, but her ability to apply common sense on a situational level is irrefragably low as evidenced by her willingness to carry on with a man who would treat her this poorly.

If I still sound judgemental let me ask you a question once asked by a very wise little Negro: 
"If I started peein' on you RIGHT now would you: A. Smile and ask for more or B. Move out the HELL out the way?"
Prosecution: RESTS.

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