Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Friday, April 29, 2011

Honey, Yeah-Oh... You So Sweet

Anyone who's seen my blog knows my passion in life. (Look to your left. Yes. Him.) Jack Daniels has been there for me in times of trial and tribulation. Through dangers seen and unseen, he has been my right arm. He has been in my morning coffee and my evening McDonald's sweet tea. He has even been my excuse for "engaging" less than attractive men folk and then never calling them again. Now Senor Daniels have given me an even better reason to be unruly and unconscionable. From this day forward I take NO responsibility for my actions. Why? THIS is why...


Now, before I sampled and OFFICIALLY tasted Jack Daniels Honey, I researched the stringent guidelines for proper whiskey tasting. After which these guidelines were immediately ignored because I'm lazy. BUT (that's a big but) as a bartender and connoisseur of fine drinkables I have to say that Jack Daniels Honey gets an A as far as American whiskeys go. Here in the states we don't have too many GREAT well aged whiskeys. Sure there's Woodford and Makers (Jack's fancy city cousin) but Jack Daniels set the bar for affordable, casual American Bourbons, Whiskeys and Ryes a long time ago. Old No. 7 has gotten ugly bitches laid for years but in 2011 they took it a step further. Now deplorable men will ALSO get the goodness thanks to Uncle Jack. Jack Daniels Honey is much easier for the untrained palliate to keep down on a semi-empty stomach! From here on out you uppity, siddity hoes can pretend to be bad ass while actually still being fake as the fuck by taking shot after sweet delicious shot of Jack Daniels Honey. It even has 5% less alcohol than the original Jack Daniels but who will know the difference but you? (Nobody cause niggas don't read.) Jack Daniels Honey is wonderful chilled, on the rocks or even straight up. It goes down smooth and don't come up rough. In my specialized DeDeT taste test, me and my cousin finished a whole bottle in roughly 3 hours whereas 1/5 of Old No. 7 would have taken us at LEAST five hours to devour. We really made good time on that bitch which leads me to believe the average brizzle could EASILY be coerced into four or five straight shots of this ish. On top of that, for the everyday Jack drinker, this Honey variation is quite flavorful and robust and really retains that Old No. 7 timbre. If you truly enjoy Jack Daniels, Jack Daniels Honey will ensure your loyalty to the sour mash cause. 

The moral of the story is:

Jack Daniels Honey is the shit and as an unattractive man it may very well get you to home base if not at least a STRONG third. Buy some and put it somewhere convenient.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Define "Peace"...

According to this article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42458525/ns/local_news-new_orleans_la/ The Institute for Economics and Peace has done precisely that, and while doing so, they have ranked the state of Louisiana as the LEAST peaceful state in America. Maine, conversely, has been named the MOST peaceful. Now, if you read the article (which I'm sure you didn't because nobody reads), you would know that the IEP released a study that was called the U.S. Peace Index in which they defined peace in terms of violence and the prevalence thereof. The criterion on which that assessment of violence was based included homicide rates, the number of people in jail and the availability of small arms.

Already I see how they might have come to the conclusion that Louisiana ain't all that peaceful. Half the men I've encountered in Louisiana have been in jail or are at least well on their way. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't read about a senseless murder or a domestic dispute turned murder-suicide and with headlines like that who wouldn't wanna be strapped out'chea? Personally, I'll clack at a bitch today if the climate of the situation permits. I believe per capita we have to be some the most violent muh'fuckas north of the equator BUT (and notice the size of that "but") Maine, bitch? REALLY?!? We have MANY more redeeming qualities in the state of Louisiana than any fuckin' Maine. Are we going for peaceful or just boring as an afternoon dump? Sure they may not have as many murder-suicides or homicides or ignit niggas, but they are lacking GREATLY in the area of suitable diversions.

What does one go to Maine for anyway? Peace? Quiet? Why the hell not? There's nothing else there. But people come to Louisiana (namely New Orleans) to be reckless and irresponsible because we have set a precedent of judgement-free, nonstop activity. Sure it ain't peaceful but it's fun like a mutha fucka. Also in the bottom five are Tennessee, Alabama, Florida and Nevada. I don't know about Alabama and Tennessee but Florida and Nevada are also quite famous for the level of diversion they provide to its inhabitants both native and tourist. I say this is a pattern. Just because we know how to have a good time and stay out past the National Curfew all of a sudden we're reckless. If that's the case then dammit I'm proud to be rowdy and unruly compared to all those other lame ass states who don't let their children have booze. (It's a party lil nigga! Have a beer to commemorate your 6th birthday!) I for one don't wanna live anywhere where I can't get a snowball, boudin and a daiquiri all at the same establishment. That would fuck with my peace. How could I enjoy the picturesque coasts of Maine without a crawfish boil and beer overflowing from my Solo cup? This would fuck with my sense of peace. How could I sleep at night without knowing there was a loaded .380 under my bed? This also would be in opposition to my sense of peace.

The moral of the story is, when it comes to studies Louisiana often ranks last or damn close to it. Literacy rates, infant mortality rates, murders per capita, and STD/HIV/AIDS cases but got dammit we don't define ourselves by the yardsticks calibrated by institutes and research facilities and universities. We define our quality of life by the way it feels to go to the French Quarter, spend only $20 and have the best day ever. We define it when we skip work to go hunting and fishing just because we would rather be killing an animal than punching a clock. We define it by going to Super Sunday or the Second Line or Bourbon during the Classic even though we may very well die for doing so. (Fuck it! I'm partyin', nigga!) We define it when we declare Good Friday a holiday worthy of closing schools an business because we intend to consume so much booze and crawfish with our families that we would be too tempted to just not show up anyway. We define it with impromptu excursions to the nearest body of water that turn into full blown extravaganzas because one person called somebody who called somebody else who called somebody else who had a BBQ pit and who had a set of dominoes and who had a deck of cards and who had the hookup at Budweiser and who had a couple fold out tables.

This is Louisiana livin' and mutha fucka THIS is peace.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"DeDeT, Why Can't I Find a Good Man?"

Maybe it's because you're out here in these streets with a search light in the daytime like you're looking for escaped convicts.

Literally COMBING the streets for a man isn't necessarily the tried and true method of successful courtship. Yes your man is out there somewhere but must you look for him EVERYWHERE? Can you not CHILL for a second and just breathe and enjoy YOUR life? It's like some of you hoes are always on the hunt--ALWAYS. You're lurking around every corner for some fresh meat. There is absolutely no stone that will not be thrown over to find someone to put a baby in you. Many of you don't even care if he happens to be on the arm of another woman when you see him. As soon as she turns her back, he's fair game. And the level of preparation that some of you hoes undergo borders on outlandishness. You can't step out of your door without a 3-hour hair, make-up and wardrobe session because you have to be as fly as humanly possible so that you will be sure to catch SOMEONE'S eye in ANY venue. It don't even take drag queens that long to get ready and they have to tuck for God's sake!

I say this with much love... GET A GRIP BITCH! The last thing you want to be in this day and age is THIRSTY and blatantly so. Don't think that by being unconscionably thorough, fate will reward your diligence. All that's gonna happen is that you will find some clown who can't wait to take full advantage of the duck you appear to be. Men can smell the desperation on you and while the good ones may pass your hungry ass up, a ratchet one will jump at the chance to take advantage of the fact that you might drink a cranberry and bleach cocktail if you have to endure one more lonely night. The kind of man who wants a desperate woman is the kind of man who wants to kick back while your simple ass goes to work and supports his Call of Duty habit. He is the kind of man who will not miss the opportunity to fuck your friend/sister/mother/niece/cousin/hair dresser/gynecologist/anything with a pussy. He is the kind of man that will have his extraneous, bad ass, illegitimate children running around your house, tearing your shit down and drinking all your damn juice. He is the kind of man that will not hesitate to Chris Brown a bitch because all your desperate ass is gonna do anyway is straight DROP those charges.

So... what have we learned today, girls? *PAUSE* Very good! A desperate bitch is a gullible bitch and a gullible bitch is roadkill.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Birthday Toast

I felt it... so I wrote it... and then there was light.

Here's to hoping that with continued diligence that the chances that I've lost will somehow be found. Here's to being confident and secure on any occasion and in any weather. Here's to having hope for all of life's blessings even though sometimes they seem far out of my reach. Here's to having true friends and better yet KNOWING full well exactly who those friends are. Here's to having faith in myself even when I receive messages of deception addressed from "The World" to tell me that I am nothing as good as anyone else who is truly worthy of being loved, of being happy... of having dreams come true. Here's to seeing to the very end all the wonderful and exciting things I've started. Not to prove anything to anyone else, but because I started them for a divine purpose higher than anything that I can explain, for they came about without any planning or calculation on my part. Here's to showing all of myself without shame and knowing that whatever it is that I have in me is something worth having and it's worth being shared with everyone I see. Here's to CLAIMING my talents, pursuing my dreams without shame or fears of failure and ridicule. Here's to going where I've never been, seeing what I never saw and doing what I never did. Here's to walking before I crawl. Here's to knowing myself, my mind, my talent, my passion, my singularity, my worth and my truth... without any doubts to hinder me.