So... that last post which was dated for today at approximately 9:00 this morning was actually typed up last night but I was too shaken up by a spectre from my past to finalize it. Via facebook (of course) I was slapped in the face by the "mutual friend" paradox. Meaning, someone who I was determined to erase from my life by deleting him from my fb list still found his was into my notifications by way of a mutual facebook friend. He commented on her status and I had the misfortune of seeing his name next to a wedding picture of him and his white baby mama. Perfect.
I'm ashamed to say that all those feelings I claimed to leave behind in 2009 followed me all the way to the latter quarter of 2010. I felt that same tremor of anger and pain and abandonment that I felt when I first saw his relationship status change in August of 2008 only two months after he'd been telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship. It was the same sickness I felt in November 2008 when I saw his profile picture change to an ultrasound of his child with her. It was the same worthlessness I felt when I first saw his name change to reflect how much he loved her and how much he never gave a damn about me even though it appeared that he knew her about as long as he knew me. It was then that I first deleted my fb account after realizing that I couldn't handle the information it made all too available for me to stumble upon even though I had long removed him from the list of human beings with which I cared to keep in step. The only happiness I could cling to in leaving New Orleans behind in the late summer of 2009 was that I was sure to NEVER have to gaze upon him in Houma.
I returned to facebook in the latter part of 2009 feeling safer and more resigned to the assertion that I no longer cared for him the way I did before. I was wiser than I had been. I understood that what we "shared" was a fleeting thing and it was an infatuation of my own design. What I thought I felt was a figment of my girlish imagination and nothing that should be so far-reaching. That was before last night when I saw that tiny little wedding picture... so small and so consummate. I gather there was a faint part of me that kept saying "Maybe he'll tire of her quickly and realize that I'm the one who was made for him." That seemingly insignificant .jpg was the nail and with it I was buried. I shook tearfully and tried to tell myself to be cool but he was still too much. All I could picture was her in his arms wearing all white. In the millisecond that I focused on the image I could see them both laughing. He was so happy with her. Just like before all I could think was, "What was so wrong with me?" Is it it because I'm fat or plain looking? Is it because I'm lacking in achievements? Is it my nappy hair? Is it my dark skin? Is it my voice? Whatever it was I would have it changed in an instant if I could have him because there's nothing for me to cling to anymore. Pride. Dignity. Confidence. Damn em all. I don't need it where I'm going anyway. Then the other sorrows began rolling in...
"You're twenty five and you've never heard a man say, 'I love you.' In fact you've never been close. Every man you ever wanted could care less about you. Not a one of em would begin to think about you today. It's like you were never even there to begin. You'll never know what it feels like. Settle in to it. Don't expect it to come because it was never made for you. You don't deserve it. You're ugly. You're broke. You're fat. You're unaccomplished. You have absolutely no appeal. Nothing to offer to anyone. Your market value is nil and it will only sink even further when you're forced to get a job a Waffle House. Nobody even looks at you now. All three of those men who you let break you will be happy and you'll always suffer the chill of their apathy toward your affections..."
And they haven't stopped since. All those feelings came back with full force to the front of my consciousness. They were always there. I could hear them whisper every now and then from the background but easily quieted by a happy song. Not now though. They're loud and grasping for my throat. If I had something, anything to look forward to in a day I might be able to rest on the notion that I have too many important things to do than be lonely but I don't. Everyday I look around, I'm the only one here. The phone doesn't ring and it's just as well. I wouldn't be able to keep up a conversation anyway. I have no events or developments to discuss. After hello I wouldn't even know what to say to anyone. I could do without the awkward silences. My various inboxes would remain empty if it were not for the junk and promotional offers and campaign efforts. The island just keeps getting bigger... or am I just getting smaller?
Can't stand another single day/Gotta get away