Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Just What I Needed... Another Sex Study

So, if there be any of you who happened to read my last two posts you might be able to say that I was in something of a horrible funk but thanks to my favorite Internet news provider, NY Daily News, I have been re-energized by the one thing that can truly distract me: the science of sex.


I doubt that you would ignore the above link if you paid any attention to the previous text but in case you did just know that for the first time in a long time someone decided that sex needed another in-depth look. (Thank God) Their findings showed some things that were surprising, others that were quite predictable and a few that just ticked the hell out of me.

First, let me say that their "revelation" that men are oblivious to the fact that they ain't puttin' that thang down like they believe is hardly worthy of a headline. I mean, really, 85% of ya'll think the last time you did the do, that you actually delivered the shockingly elusive "O?" Come the fuck on, man! Granted some of the respondents were engaging in a bit of rump wranglin' but not enough to offset the 21% difference in the results of the juxtaposed women's study. Only 64% of them claimed to achieve greatness in their last sexual encounter. Granted also, some of them were bumping cats the last time they got'er done so a similar offset must be applied.

This leads me to my main issue with brizzles in this regard: Why are we doing Broadway in the bedroom... or in the kitchen... or on the roof... or in the alley ways (if you lack all sense of ladyship)? Why do we puff these dudes up? Most of em could really care less, I promise. In fact a few of them just want to beat you the punch! (Am I lyin', bruh? Didn't think so.) They don't necessarily care that you achieve your yearning completion. They just like the idea of it all. I don't think most of them know a nut truly exists for a woman because we sing so many damn show tunes that they don't know what's real and what's just for the glamour (as evidenced by these here study results). So to end that point: If he's whack, tell that nigga he's whack. If he's the truth... don't let him stunt on you. You throw that thang back at em and don't punk out.

Next up: teenage sex. Now I can honestly say I know NOTHING about that and I really didn't care to learn. (I found that young men in Houma were scandalous and came with too heavy an incestuous risk for my discernment.) The study revealed two rather important things:

1. It seems that teenagers are not as sexually active as they are purported to be. Initially, I was a little suspicious of that theory. To me, teenagers seem to be wild with lust. Young girls idolize women like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian;(I grew up idolizing Pam Grier and Foxy Brown. They were waaaaay better role models. Smh.) they dress in a manner that is hardly viewed as pristine; they cuss like sailors on a weekend pass; and every time a look up one of em is poppin' out another kid. But when I think about it... those are the HITs (Hoes In Training). And when you have half the boys in the neighborhood after those same three HITs, the other girls are left to hold on to their chastity as long as they like or maybe just engage in intercourse with their "steady" (that's such a cute term). Makes sense to me so I'm runnin' wit it.

2. They're wrappin that thang up tight when they do engage. All I can say is "Bravo, boys and girls." If we have learned nothing from athletes, rappers, thugs, and Maury Povich, we have garnered the knowledge that baby mamas and baby daddies are indeed NOT what's up. Personally I believe my generation was more influenced by the whole HIV/AIDS thing by making it the only thing scarier than moms. There were sooooo many specials and pamphlets and educational films about the dreaded STD. Gives me the willies just thinking about all those feathered bands and acid-washed jeans. While still a scary thought, I didn't find that we were all that worried about the threat of offspring when it came to sex way back then.

Also the study showed that Black and Hispanic men these days are sporting jimmy hats more often than White men. I believe that to be very true (because I have always perceived the White man to be reckless) but I do not agree with the suspected reasoning behind this nuance. Study analysts suggested that the growing epidemic of HIV/AIDS in the Black and Hispanic community was the cause but I'm more leaning toward the fertility of Black and Hispanic women coupled with their penchant for high drama and violent acts as the proponent. (Ladies, I can't lie. We be takin' it there... daily.)

Another revelation in the use of condoms as it pertained to this study (which I found no qualm with) was the extremely low instance of condom use in men over 61. Ya think? Old dudes don't need ANYTHING standing in their way when it comes to the squishy. They can barely keep that meat up so don't even ATTEMPT to dull that sensation. And as far as the AIDS thing... I mean they gotta go sometime, right? Old dudes have no choice but to be in the moment. It heightens the excitement of the encounter, ya know. They have to get it while the getting is good and a old playa knows that putting the moment on pause to find a condom is a sure fire way to let it pass you right on by. Yeah they have Viagra, but from what I hear not all health plans cover that soooo... yeah. Some of these old dudes have to rely on Gin and Thunderbird, and we all know that doesn't hold up for too long. I ain't mad at you old man, but... don't be surprised if after the love is gone you're left with a lingering (and less pleasurable) sensation. HITs graduate and move through the ranks to become old pros, do they not?

In short... I seriously dug it but I'm glad I ate already. Old people "activity" is enough to make me lose ANY appetite with which I might have been born. Gross.

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