Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm No Bitch... I'm an Asshole

EX: You were a bitch when we were together.
ME: Correction: I was a jerk and I obviously didn't do my job well enough.
EX: Why do you say that?
ME: You're still calling me.

If you all haven’t noticed by now, I’m an asshole. I’m pretty much at peace with that so I gather you should be too since we're so cool and all. In fact I don’t mind the appellation one bit. I even prefer it to other labels that may be placed on a woman of my particular demeanor. Those labels like "sassy" and "bitch." Those labels meant to reflect the cattiness that is so say "inherent" of womanhood while completely demeaning all that it is to be a real woman. Real women have no cause for these labels while the weakest of the female sex relish in their stereotypical overtones. Then there are those monikers like "edgy" and "risque" which would reflect a certain intangible rebellious nature but in truth it reflects a desperate need to be widely accepted.

I do not like to be called “sassy” for a number of reasons. Domesticated animals and drag queens are named "Sassy". Clearly I qualify as none of the above since I am a full-on chick and not easily housebroken. I do not like to be called “edgy.” In my life that doesn’t even exist as a real word and if it were I would use it to describe a rock formation. (I.e., The Grand Canyon is edgy.) I, as a soft, supple and curvaceous woman, have no known “edges” to speak of. That whole "risque" thing is just a fancy French word for somebody who takes pleasure in the shock value of their aberrant, hoe-like behavior. Finally (and most important) NEVER call me a bitch. Ever. These other bitches take it as a compliment, not me—at least not in that regard. Bitches do what they do for attention or because they’re socially limited enough to think that they might be more entitled than the next bitch.

“Not I,” said the cat. Women like the two-dimensional caricatures depicted on "The Real Housewives" fit those molds. I know I’m not entitled and it is that knowledge which makes me an asshole to begin. In life I am owed nothing, thus I owe no one. For me there is nothing more gratifying than knowing that I am the most efficiently offensive person in the room without even having to outdo myself, much less anyone else. That’s an asshole. We don’t care if we piss you off or not, that’s just a bonus. Our satisfaction comes from knowing that whatever we say, it is the unabridged honest to God truth and you, as the unassuming bystander, have to just eat that dick if it should happen to slap you in the face. Whatever we said to offend, we only did it because we absolutely meant that shit. No apology is forthcoming so spare yourself the wasted time of anticipation.

A sassy, edgy bitch says what she says to "one-up" someone else who makes her feel insecure. (At least that's how I see 'em.) She does it to superficially assert her dominance over another who appears to be more apt. It's the same phenomenon as a dog pissing on your furniture. "This is my territory and this is the crude and vulgar way I choose to express it because I honestly don't know any better way to do so." We forgive these sassy, edgy bitches in same way we do dogs. We beat them with a rolled up newspaper then feel pity for such a lowly unintelligent creature. Send the bitch a fruit basket and you're her best friend again.

If one should run afoul of an asshole like myself, however, the outcome is much different. A real, true to form jerk doesn't play those catty nonsense games. An asshole like myself doesn't care if you recover from her scorn. In fact I would prefer that you didn't. That way maybe you would think twice before opening your mouth to give foolhardy Icarian wings to the outright bumfuckery that lies in wait in every crevasse of your "mind" ever again. Bitches need to learn that silence is their best defense against those of us who would not hesitate to make (figuratively or literally) a bleeding example of their ignorance.

Jerks also enjoy fine wine, the arts, stimulating company and Bruce Lee movies. It would behoove you to engage us... but only with sincerity.

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