Podcast: Wailing On These Hoes

Monday, November 8, 2010

Closure: An Experimental Pursuit

I conducted an experiment (at my own expense) in which I explored some of the possibilities of "closure" (whatever the fuck that means). I hear it's a term embittered people use when they want to get that last word in on someone who ran afoul of the most fragile part of their psyche in which they were either invited or simply barged into. I elected to embark upon this fool's errand when fate had me stumble upon some old texts in an obsolete phone from someone who claimed great things for me, but when our relationship vanished suddenly without a trace it was revealed that in truth he had none.

I believe that a briefing is in order to make clearer the goals intended by this experiment so here it is:

We talked for a while and found that we had many things in common. We conversed about where things were going and decided that what we were beginning was something significant, while still indefinite. There was a mutual respect between us and we expressed all thoughts honestly. Along the way I stumbled hard and allowed myself to succumb to his baser urges. When hindsight would not let up on my nerves, I finally had to tell him that our "engagement" was a mistake on my part and never should have transpired. It was too soon and we were still uncertain of what was to come of our new more-than friendship. He agreed that it was premature but we remained on the same path as before. Layman's terms: He was so say all into ya girl and I shucked his corn even though I knew I shouldn't have but shit didn't change afterward so we were still cool... or so I thought. I don't know the time that lapsed between that incident and the day he declared himself a relationship on facebook but I do remember that I was caught completely off guard by the revelation. Also I was a bit dismayed to find (after that status was changed) that the daily unsolicited calls and texts disappeared. I chalked it up to "niggas will be niggas at the end of the day" and quickly put the entire situation behind me. If memory prevails me that was in July. I have not sought the young man out since nor have I considered doing such.

For unknown reasons, today I took out my backup phone just to see if there were any wayward texts that I might have missed from people who were unaware of my number change. There were two and they were read. Then I noticed quite a few old texts addressed from the aforementioned party. I was filled with a sensation that I have not felt in quite some time. It was not rage. It was not pain. It was not abandonment. It was that feeling of "Naw... I gotta let this dude know what I think about his bitch ass." The last time I felt that way I absolutely POURED my heart out to a man who showed me afterward they he could give a fuck but this situation was different. It's not so much that I had an abundance of residual emotion leftover for him but I refused to go on letting him think that it was cool for him to just disappear like that. So with that thought I began tinkering around with ideas on how to approach the situation.

A brief text was my first notion but I decided that would not be adequate to capture my distaste. Then I decided to type up an even LONGER text message, at which point I felt incredibly silly. I had far too many frustrations on my chest to be dispelled by any amount of text messages. Also I find long texts to be a bore and easily ignored. I wanted him to hear everything I had to say. So the obvious choice was to call. It was my hope that he would be indisposed or too bitch made to answer the phone thus I would be able to leave him a voicemail uninterrupted by any of his half-baked excuses. Of course since I had a plan in mind, the powers that be decided that things should go differently. I must have offended life in some perverse way with my quick-wittedness because the bitch answered the phone just when I had a fool-proof voicemail kiss-off to lay on his jive ass. Now that the sound of his voice has thrown my well-guided train of thought off the rails, I had to improvise a bit. The conversation proceeded as thus:

HIM: Hello
ME: Do you know who this is?
HIM: Yeah, this is [indecipherable]
ME: What?
HIM: What...
ME: Ugh... this is Deanna.
HIM: Oh! Hey! How you doin?
ME: Whatever. You do realize that I kinda noticed how you dropped off the radar very abruptly, right?
HIM: Well, yeah... I've been busy with this PhD program and all... I mean... I barely talk to my three best friends...
ME: Do you think I give a fuck who else you're not talking to?
HIM: I'm gonna have to call you back later... I'm kinda on my way to doing somethin...
ME: Don't bother. I just have a couple things to say and you can go on with your silly life.
HIM: Ok...
ME: It is my understanding that you have a girlfriend now--do you not?
HIM: Yeah I do...
ME: How can you have a girlfriend when you have absolutely NO time to contact ANYONE in your life as you claim?
HIM: Well...
ME: Whatever bruh. You know what you did to me was fucked up and all you're doing is making excuses to seem as though you're not as much of a coward as you are.
HIM: I mean... I don't know how that makes me a coward.
ME: We were talking all the time and the day it seems you get yourself somebody closer and more convenient than I was you fall of the face of the earth and you think that doesn't count as being bitch made?
HIM: I'm sorry...
ME: Fuck your sorry. I just called to make sure that just in case you were lying to yourself thinking that the way you handled our situation wasn't fucked up, you knew from me that it was indeed fucked up and you showed just what little character you truly possess. Enjoy your "program" and good day.

And that was that. Do I feel any better? I guess. I didn't really feel "bad" to begin. Mostly I felt cheated out of having my say when he decided on his own to cease all communications with me and offer no explanation for his actions. Did I get that explanation? No. Do I really give a fuck about what he thinks? Not really. My main goal in this was to very selfishly thrust my opinions onto his conscience and leave him little room for rebuttal. I have done that. Has this abstract state of "closure" been attained for this particular "chapter" of my life? I barely know what closure is supposed to be so it's hard to say whether it's there or not. It's hard for me to assert that it even truly exists.

Closure is purported to be something that is necessary for us to move on with our lives once something ends unexpectedly and ambiguously. The truth is that when something is over, it's just fucking over regardless of if we felt we got our just due when it was all said and done; regardless of if we got to say everything we really wanted to say and do all we really wanted to do; regardless of if we were cheated out of an opportunity to express ourselves or we just didn't think it was so important at the time. The truth is... it's over with or without you having any peace on the matter.

Conclusion: Closure is some ol buck nekked bull shit and the pursuit of it will only draw you back into a state of limbo when all you really need to do to move on is just move the fuck on... at least that's what my life has taught me about the subject. It would behoove you to conduct and analyze your own experiments with this phenomenon of human need.

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