As preposterous as that sounds, it may as well have been the title of an article in the NY Daily News that I had the pleasure or perusing today but sadly no one was clever or reckless enough to come up with that.
When I came across the headline, ("Harvard books found doused in urine was not hate act; worker accidentally spilled on books") I thought it would be your average run-of-the-mill news article about gay outrage and things of that particular nature. So say a gang of books all on gay and lesbians topics were found drenched in piss. The library employee in question of committing the act (who reported it two weeks after it occurred) contested that he/she actually knocked over a bottle of piss that happened to be on that shelf and did not carry out the act knowingly. I mean who would drink THAT Kool-Aid? No queer I know, that's for damn certain. I couldn't wait to read the snappy quips of some of the disgruntled Ivy League community. I expected some zingers in lieu of the intrinsic hilarity of the situation. Upon further review of the article, I read that gay students were "relieved" to find that the seemingly malicious act was not deliberate or measured. One respondent did express his concern for the lingering bottle of urine and it's purpose for being, however.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
1. Who would accidentally knock over a bottle of piss on documents at their job and not report it IMMEDIATELY because I figure a) they wouldn't want to get the blame for it and b) it's a bottle of FUCKING PISS?!?! Let me knock over a container of piss ANYWHERE and see how bad I go off. Everybody I saw for the NEXT two weeks would have to hear the story about how some dumb bitch left a bottle of PISS sittin' 'round for me to knock over on my DAMN JOB that I already CANNOT STAND just to fuck my life even further. I'd want them to run that piss through whatever DNA matching systems they had to find the mutha fucka who would dare be trifling enough to do that nasty shit and leave it for somebody else (i.e. MY BLACK ASS) to deal with. End reason #1 for why I DO NOT believe that ridiculous story.
2. So that bottle of piss just happened to be sitting atop a shelf containing literature about one of the most abhorred, controversial and abused groups in American society today? Right. And all those Klansmen meant to put those burning crosses on the lawns of Catholics not black folk. BIIIIIIG misunderstanding that I'm sure all of us Negroes are "relieved" to have cleared up for us. Reason #2 why I still don't believe this dumb ass' story. Which leads me to my third point...
3. WHY DOES ANYBODY ELSE BELIEVE THIS BOGUS SHIT?!?! From the tone of the article it looks to me like EVERYBODY at Harvard accepts that this person's account of the disaster it true. Maybe I'm just a cynic and find most things hard to believe but DAMN. Saying a bottle of wayward piss being accidentally knocked over to explain an incident that looks like an OBVIOUS case of vandalism is possibly the lamest excuse I have EVER heard in my life. Even if this library worker DID NOT piss on those books his fool ass knows who did to say some stuff like that. Hell I'd love to even think that they actually tested the leavings to see if they could match it up to a possible perp, but to me it sounds like the case has been closed on that one person's testimony. The authorities probably don't even care to get to the bottom of the situation. It is just piss after all. Now maybe if shit had been involved... that would be something to pursue.
Hell, if all of 'em are that gullible I say just replace the damn books and be satisfied with that shit. If only R. Kelly had thought of it first. He probably would've never gone to trail. They could have dropped the whole thing right there. "Somebody left a bottle in my room that I thought was filled with some Perrier-Jouet. My bad." You are forgiven Robert... so sorry to have troubled you.