(Untitled)

This here post was actually written on Saturday, December 18th, but at the time I was trapped inside the Devil's Cross-Country Coach to Utter Insanity and was unable to access the Internet... or my peace of mind. Therefore I just typed up a little something to calm my spirits and do some much needed self-inventory. I had not intended to post it but, hey... why the hell not?

Beginning at roughly 1:30AM Pacific Standard Time on Saturday, December 18, 2010, my aunt, my cousin and I embarked upon a near cross-country journey beginning in L.A. with the intent to wind up in Houma, LA. This ill-plotted trek is estimated to last for a duration upwards of 24 hours. So far we are just about 30 minutes past El Paso headed East. The time is now 6:29PM Central Standard Time.  The situation stands as thus: I have a feeling that I am the outcast of this trio and my kin find me generally unfavorable for whatever reason. When my cousin nearly KILLED/SERIOUSLY INJURED us, I was called a "jack ass" and was wrongfully attributed much of the blame with her just because I was in the front seat. Little did my aunt know that her daughter NEGATED me when I said, "This is our exit coming up" and realized at the VERY LAST MINUTE that I was right. When my cousin told her that I did in fact indicate the proper exit long BEFORE it was too late, my aunt continued to berate me for the mishap. When my aunt forced us to go the wrong way because she was CERTAIN that my directions had to be wrong even though she was in a place she had NEVER been before, she refused to apologize when proven wrong OR for calling me out of my name. When I put my music on after being asked to do so I was criticized because for whatever reason it was all wrong. Finally I was chastised AT LENGTH for my driving. I am aware of the fact that, to date, I have not accomplished much in my life but one thing I KNOW I can do is drive. I may not have matured in my driving in big fancy Los Angeles like my cousin nor have I made a many long highway journey like my aunt, but I HAVE well-navigated heavy traffic areas and have even done so impaired... heavily. 

Anyway, back to my tale. When I took the wheel it seemed like all of a sudden everyone was nervous even though none of them had never been in a car that I was driving before. It was smooth sailing for quite a while but once I made what they saw as an outrageous error (that was neither life threatening nor gross) all of a sudden I was scrutinized for my every move. My speed was always wrong. My passing methods were aberrant. My music selections were much lamented. In their opinion I was a 16 year-old in the driver's seat for the very first time having her initial brush with the almighty Highway. My first instinct bade me to fervently weave and wind through the traffic at a much accelerated speed (90 mph). Taking personal note of my reckless behavior, I resigned from the display. Once we hit the metropolitan and traffic laden area of El Paso they're nerves went into overdrive. There were many suggestions that I should pull over soon and I should "Just do" this and "make sure to do" that. I was spoken to as though I were a child by two women who are no more skilled at driving than I am myself. Instead of adhering to their many pleas for me to relinquish control of the steering wheel, I merely reacted with mild demeanor and a calm tone as I effortlessly navigated the tumultuous and fluid freeway.

My performance was nearly flawless. I barely pressed the brake. Hell, half the time I had the gears on cruise control. (Yeah, I was stuntin a lil'.) Their anxiety fueled my excellence. I took pleasure in their fear and paralyzing doubt. (This satisfaction, of course, set in once I soundly quelled my temper, easily flared by ANYONE doubting my gangsta.) Once we neared the outskirts of the city most protests had been silenced. Agile confidence and quiet resolve seem to have a way of showing your critics that which no amount of dissent on your part (the criticized) can do any justice. As soon as all was clear… I then passed my aunt the wheel, neigh I insisted that she take it (very humbly and cheerfully, of course). I was glad to oblige after all.

Before this would-be catastrophe transpired, I hated everything about me. A few hours ago I was really sitting in this car crying (again), typing about how I can’t figure my life out and how I am completely devoid of a path. I was in need of an outlet. Someone to really talk to and hear me out and understand and say it was gonna be OK, but I don't have that. All I have is ME and several hours ago that wasn't enough. For the past year that hasn't been enough. For a long time I've felt like whatever I am, it doesn't amount to much in this world as I have come to know it. It is truly a daily conscious battle for me just to accept myself--LIKE myself. (Wow. Just typing that was exhausting.) Now, after I've been chastised so needlessly, I realize that this feeling of worthlessness I have is exactly what the world wants of me. As long as I compare myself to everything and everyone else I'll never feel like I'm capable of anything at all. Which brings me to my point of catharsis...

Why the hell shouldn't I be cocky as fuck? Hoes who wish they had a drop of what I got talk more shit than a lil bit so why can't I talk mine? Because of fear… of failure?!?! To hell with that bald-headed bullshit. People REALLY expect me to deny myself of all the things that make me unique just so they don't feel so "regular"… and dammit I often do. That is something I should have NEVER begun because since I have not been able to stop. What I should be doing is concentrating on any and everything wonderful that I KNOW I am. So on that note...

I am a GREAT driver. I have EXCELLENT taste in music. In fact, I'm musically talented my damn self. If I make an assertion, 87% of the time it's because I am DAMN certain. (13% is all astute guesswork, naturally.)I know a lot and while there is PLENTY I am ever eager to learn, there is quite a bit I can teach someone else. I am funny as SHIT. Half the comics I see ain't got NO MATERIAL compared to what I ruminate on the daily. I actually CAN write no matter how little positive feedback I'd get on the subject. I am beautiful and confident and intelligent and fiery and witty and a good person to those who have been good to me and striving to be even better.


I'm so tired of people who are so put off by my self-assuredness that they try to quell it in any way they can. I'm too through with feeling like nothing just because I'm not on the same plane with everyone else I know. I'm not that slumped shoulders, down turned eyes kinda bitch so why in the HELL am I acting that way these days? All these other ridiculous hoes out'chea brag on absolutely NOTHING and here I am hiding inside myself because I'm afraid that all I feel I am won't translate as well on the surface. Just because I don't have a degree, or a car, or a job or anything else right now, is that supposed to mean I'm nothing? That's insanity if I ever heard about it in my life. I have EVERYTHING I need to make AAAAAALL that happen if I so desire. So the world can continue to ice me out if they wanna. If my name never gets called again, I'm still here and I'm still someone unlike any other human being. No matter what everybody else thinks my proper place should be I know that in this world there is only one place I have ever truly belonged and that's WHEREVER...THE FUCK… I WANNA BE.