On Domestic Violence...

Men don’t hit your women. DON'T do it. It’s just wrong and albeit unnecessary. I'm sayin' bruh... I know you have a sister, a cousin or at least a down ass homegirl like me who is just WAITIN' for your old lady to fuck up enough to deserve a serious dealin' wit. Ladies you know that bitch either ruined your family barbeque with DRAMA or she played on your phone looking for her old man or she fucked up your painfully orchestrated world class Superbowl party because she didn’t understand what was "so damn important about a stupid football game" for her to just sit down and just shut the hell up. Simply put: the bitch has done something out the way at your expense and all ya boy has to do is call…

“My nigga I’ll be there in ten minutes…. Naw I’m already dressed I just got out the gym… And don’t let her know you called me cause she’ll just run again. I OWE this bitch... ”

There is often some hidden clause(s), however, in this agreement between male/female homies so fellas make sure you get all the particulars before you expect your comrade to bust through the door battle-ready. For instance, there are two kinds of bitches that my homeboys KNOW I personally wouldn’t even fight for my own causes, much less for my homey who already saw the writing on the wall and chose to cut off the lights and just smash anyway. Those two kinds of bitches are ugly bitches and crazy bitches.

I won’t fight an ugly bitch just because I’m cute and that advantage will drive her to do anything to take it away from me. I’ve been pretty for far too long to have to adapt to outright ugly in a matter of seconds because my homeboy's frightfully ugly and insecure old lady carries a razor. I’ll take my unattractiveness on gradually as gravity spitefully drags my jugg’ums closer and closer to the ground, thank you. But know that there’s a plan B for doing battle with an ugly bitch if it simply must be had. Draw her into a conversation about her better attributes and she’ll calm down. Ugly girls love when pretty girls compliment them. If that doesn’t work just call an even uglier bitch to fight her and mooooooove out the way. There ain’t nothin’ more dangerous than an ugly bitch throw down, so just quietly leave the room, lay down in the bathtub and cover your head. When you hear a sound like a train whistle don't run and don't panic. Just bear down until it passes. Feel free to hum your favorite tune if it can help you stay calm.

The reason why I will NEVER fight a crazy bitch is simply because you cannot hurt a truly crazy bitch. I’m not talking about the “she just ain’t got no bit’o good sense” crazy. I’m talkin'bot the “you could hit her square in the face wit a cinderblock and she won’t go down” crazy. For those kinds of chicks I’ll just say “My nigga you gone have to shoot that bitch. Call me when you need to dispose of the body.”

So ladies, if you have a homey/brother/cousin/nephew/son/uncle/lecherous grandfather who has a whiny, bitchy, irrational succubus in his life that you absolutely CANNOT STAND, my advice to you is watch, wait and pray. The day of her reckoning could easily be your triumph or your demise. What's important is that most likely afterward you're going to jail. Do you want to go to lockup with an undisputed victory already under your belt or as the wannabe lady G who jumped in to get knocked out?

Dwell on it...